january reflections

A recent conversation with a friend prompted me, yet again, to reexamine my relationship with writing. Its purpose in my life seems to change with the seasons, so after our lengthy conversation, I pondered what writing currently means to me. 

In the past, I’ve wanted my writing to be conclusive, helpful, polished. But if I, the writer, do not live a neat, tidy, conclusive life, how can I expect that of my work?

Post-writing fellowship a few years ago, we were asked to share one tip we had. Mine was to get your ideas on paper as soon as possible. I’d made the mistake countless times of shelving an idea that really excited me, with plans to return, and I either never returned or lost excitement and interest in it.

Committing to electronically scribbling my thoughts of the day seemed feasible enough. So, in January, I wanted to track my streams of consciousness over a more extended period. I was curious to see what themes and lessons would keep coming up. In time, what would I find important enough to share?

For this era, I want writing to be a tool for self-exploration. Maybe that means asking myself, and you by extension, more questions than providing answers. Maybe it’s simply a way to archive and chronicle my observations. I joke about my Instagram being my online diary, but maybe this is the real online, albeit curated, diary. 

I found my copy of Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations when I was home during Christmas. During my first read a few years ago, I found it painstaking to read. Ironically, the meditative pace of the book was too slow for me.

Then, I struggled with taking things slow, meditating, just sitting with things. Now, I’m appreciative of the book’s open nature. It’s not an instructive manual; it’s there for you to relate if you do and step away if you don’t. 

So, alas, here are the best picks of my January Meditations:

January 7th

you have to be militant about visualizing exactly where it is you’re trying to go. keep that future you in your mind, and take the actions that person would take to maintain what they have. you are already them; you just have to cross over.

be objective in your judgments of people, places, and things. don’t project, just view.

aligned people, places, and things won’t require you to ignore your better judgment to make room for them. there will be no need to rush and overlook. even going at a steady pace, things continue to make sense and fit seamlessly together.

January 8th

it’s hard not to doubt your value when people undervalue you, but reminding myself their behaviour does not have shit to do with my worth.

January 14th

I want to be more comfortable saying no, especially when I strongly feel against something. there’s no need to feel shy or bashful for being seen as someone who says no a lot. saying yes to everything does not make me a better person; it makes me a person without boundaries.

I also have to be more comfortable being patient and trusting divine timing. if I have set an intention, why don’t I just try tuning in, being grounded, and going at a pace that makes sense instead of rushing?

January 15th

to strengthen your internal compass and self-trust, sometimes you must lean less on other people’s advice and listen more to yourself.

overthinking, and the associated anxiety usually comes from you trying to counter or understand your intuition logically. intuition is the antithesis of logic. logic requires conscious reasoning; intuition does not. many times, it is inexplicable, but it is your choice to listen or go against it and deal with the consequences.

it’s okay to be the bad guy if it means you feel at ease at the end of the day. haven’t you noticed the internal lightness that comes after you make a decision in line with your intuition as opposed to one that goes against it?

i’m no longer asking people to confirm what I already know. a lot of times you don’t need someone else to weigh in; you already know - just listen the first time.

considering how old I am now, I am responsible for my life experiences. it can feel impossible sometimes but if you don’t like your circumstances, it’s on you to change them. it doesn’t have to be a huge overhaul at once, but what small action can you take today to change a circumstance you don’t like?

don’t just receive what you are given; ask for what you want. “choose what you want and how you are going to get it.” (from Acts of Faith)

January 17th

if your actions and desires aren’t aligned, what are you doing? 

January 25th

this is the first time in a while (if ever) that I have big goals and am actually pacing myself. reminding myself progress is made in many small steps not in one huge leap.

random aside: I tied so much of my confidence and lack of dating success to looks. now, I’m better looking, but in the romance department, not much has changed. It’s evidently not about that stuff. 

January 26th

making peace with the unknown. nothing is particularly happening right now, and I know there are so many possible outcomes. but I can better surrender because I know my future has to be better than my past. the only way is up. I have no choice but to focus on myself right now. 

I hate that we can’t control the pace at which we heal. being heartbroken takes me a little longer than I would like to get over. the pain isn’t constant, but some days it just creeps up on you. still, I’m diving into myself in a way I haven’t done in years, since I was sixteen honestly. now I have the discipline and wisdom to ensure my actions align with what I am trying to achieve.